May I Finish?

My husband, who is Japanese-American, once commented that the Japanese spoken by women is so different from that spoken by men, it’s as if Japanese is really two different languages. I asked my mother-in-law about it, and her comment was succinct: “Ladies must be very polite.”

This comes to mind because I’m thinking about a phenomenon that’s familiar to many (if not most) women: being interrupted while speaking. I was interrupted — ignored, really — during a meeting yesterday. I was asked to do a bit of essential writing (informing our brave friends who downloaded 0.4.10 that they must throw away their profiles before downloading 0.6). I needed to figure out where this tidbit should be put — in the Release Notes, on the website, or both — and I said, “I need more information…” One of the engineers began talking about something else, and my query was left twisting in the wind.

I suppose I could have objected, and on another day I might have. But I was tired, and wishing for coffee, and so angry over being ignored that I simply left the room. (And went out for coffee.)

Sociologists have been researching male/female conversation patterns for a few decades. And there’s pretty good evidence that men interrupt women a lot.

In fact, men often interrupt outright, and they do this far more frequently than women do, several studies have shown. Candace West and Don Zimmerman, sociologists at the University of California, recorded a number of two-party conversations. When men spoke with men or women with women, there were relatively few interruptions, and those that did occur were balanced between the two speakers. When men conversed with women, however, not only did more interruptions occur, but 96 percent of them involved men interrupting women.

Psychology Today: Girl talk, guy talk: do men and women really have distinctive conversational styles?

But what can be done about it? Stomping out of the room and going for coffee is not really a solution. Legislation won’t help.

Should I interrupt more? Talk louder? Frankly, I don’t want to do that. I WANNA BE ME! And I’m a person who listens to others, and takes turns, and doesn’t shout. Which isn’t to say I’m not assertive and persistent — my co-workers can attest that I am both of those.

Here’s my proposal. In any meeting, there surely must be men who notice when someone is being interrupted. So guys, here’s what you do: object to the interruption. Say, “Excuse me, but _____ didn’t finish what she was saying.” I am asking for this because I must, on a daily basis, attend meetings where I am the only woman in the room. Frankly, it is tiring and discouraging to keep trying to get a word in edgewise. Help me out here, guys. It’s the manly thing to do.