Cederick the Turtle

When I started writing “Vera’s Flock Blog,” I decided to write about a particular topic: how it feels to re-join the high-tech, open source community after a hiatus of four and a half years. In particular, what it’s like to work at Flock–to be the only female technical professional there. To be the only woman in most meetings.

There’s something I’ve been wanting to say about how it feels, but I haven’t quite been able to bring myself to write about it. I’ve written around the subject. My post about having trouble getting a word in edgewise is an example. My personal blog, where I wrote about past work experiences, is another. But yesterday something happened at Flock HQ. No need to go into details, but it was a sexist thing. It hurt my feelings, and made me question whether I really want to be in the high tech world anymore.

(Hear that? It’s my quilting and gardening calling me back to retirement.)

Here’s the part that really, really hurts: I’m beginning to realize that as difficult as it is to be a woman in a predominantly male profession, it’s even harder to be in the open source community. In companies like Apple and Google people have to follow the HR rules. But in the open source community, there seems to be little to reign in people’s, er, off-base impulses.

The thing is, I don’t want to throw blame around. I love going to work at Flock every day, because I really enjoy being with my colleagues there. It’s the most interesting place I can imagine being. I want to be there, with the smart, funny people. I feel like I’m with my tribe, when I’m at Flock. (Okay, so I have an ego!)

How do I explain why sexism hurts so much, without making someone feel blamed? Up till now, I haven’t tried, because it seemed impossible.

But at home today, in self-imposed exile, as I sat watching my daughter’s two aquatic turtles, an analogy occurred to me.

Cederick and Hubert live in a beautiful tank with a nice floating island and a filter that creates a bubbly area where they play. They swim around wildly doing backflips and looking very free and happy. There’s just one problem: Hubert is bigger. He’s dominant. And, from time to time, he lets Cederick know it, by biting off Cederick’s tail.

Now I’m sure there’s no place Cederick would rather be than in that tank with Hubert. To leave that tank he’d have to live in the small, cramped temporary container. He’d be alone, and there would be no floating island or bubbly fountain.

But to stay in the tank, he has to put up with having his tail bitten off once a week or so.

Tough choice, isn’t it? I’ll bet Cederick is a lot more anxious than Hubert.

So, my male colleagues, close your eyes for a minute and pretend that you’re Cederick. You love that tank, don’t you? The tank is where you get to hang around with others of your kind, doing the things you love (coding and backflips). Don’t you wish you could be there without getting bitten every so often?

Me, too.